F-THIS. I want to give up.

What a FREAKING week it has been. I don't know why, but man, this has just been the week from hell. Do you ever have those? I mean honestly, I have them a lot.. but this week was just blah.

So. Yes. F-THIS. I want to give up... that's what I'm thinking and that's what I was thinking allllllll ALLLLLLLL night last night. Let me tell you why...

Losing weight is HARD. It's like, let's completely change your whole lifestyle overnight so drastically that sometimes you just can't fucking handle it. And then of COURSE you just want to see results and when you don't see results you are like WTF?!?!? Why am I doing all this shit and not seeing any GD results??!?!?! Yeah, of course, these changes are for the better and you feel better, and you have more energy, and you are starting to get healthier, but at the same time you feel like if you ever "cheat" by eating something non-healthy, or if you miss a workout, all the work you have done is going to just disappear. I think like that all the time. So of course, these past 13 weeks I have been like, you can't miss a workout, you can't eat shitty, you can't do these things because the minute you do that, you will revert everything you have worked for. Of course I think all these negative things. Of course I just can't see the positive from all of this stuff, of COURSE all I want to do is eat a hamburger... but that's where it clicked.

Last night, after not working out yesterday, and thinking about not being able to workout today, I was thinking to myself, this is IT. I'm done. Why am I doing all of this stuff, why am I trying to better myself? It's hard, and I don't like the challenge and I want to eat whatever I want, drink whatever I want, get my life back instead of working out...... And of course, what do I do? We order a cheese burger from Gordon Biersch and a chicken sandwich (split it of course) and as I'm eating this, I'm like wow, I feel like shit. This does NOT taste good... What am I doing to myself. (I love Juan for not judging me for eating a cheeseburger by the way, he knows how hard this is for me and he pushes but yet isn't rude and mean about it and it's great). Anyways... after we eat that, we go to the Gap, I wanted to see what they had in season for the winter and I needed a new hat haha. Well, as we are there and I'm trying things on, I'm like wow, wait, hold the PHONE, am I really REALLY REALLLLLLLY actually fitting into these clothes that are HERE IN THE STORE ACTUALLY ON THE RACK?!?! IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING??? Yeah, of course, I know I've been dropping sizes and inches, but for the FIRST TIME in a REALLY long time, I felt really good. I didn't have to say, oh that shirt is really nice, what's the style number because I have to go online and fucking order it in an XXL because I'm fat and can't fit into it... same with dresses or pants... but nope, not this time, I was able to walk out of the store with a WHOLE outfit without having to order ANYTHING online. AHHHH I FELT SO GOOD. And I realized, this is what it's all about.

It's those moments, where you are feeling weak, and for me, I eat my feelings, but those are the times you have to sit back and really look at how far you have come and keep telling yourself over and over again that this isn't a sprint... it's NOT. It takes time, and as discouraged as you feel, you are better then where you were yesterday. Yesterday I was a size 18 and XXL for tops, today I'm a size 14-16 and a L or XL for tops... yeah, it might not seem a lot to most people, but for me that's huge. This whole thing is huge. IT'S HARD, it's discouraging, it's miserable.... but I HAVE to keep with it, HAVE HAVE HAVE... there is no giving up. This will take time, this will take effort and there's no more feeling sorry for myself...

Monday is the start of another week, and although I can't control if I have to stay late at work, I can control my schedule to make SURE I am at boot camp in the morning, eating healthy, and staying positive. I CAN DO IT. From THICK TO THIN BABY.

Ok anyways, I feel like if I proof-read this post it's not going to make any sense, so I'm sorry for that, but hopefully you get my point today. I'm not giving up, no matter how much I want to, I'm not.

And by the way, eating like shit makes me feel like shit now. And I LOVE IT. I never want to go back to the way I used to eat... Eat Clean, TRAIN DIRTY.

Happy Friday. Enjoy the weekend and let me leave you on this note,