F-THIS. I want to give up.

What a FREAKING week it has been. I don't know why, but man, this has just been the week from hell. Do you ever have those? I mean honestly, I have them a lot.. but this week was just blah.

So. Yes. F-THIS. I want to give up... that's what I'm thinking and that's what I was thinking allllllll ALLLLLLLL night last night. Let me tell you why...

Losing weight is HARD. It's like, let's completely change your whole lifestyle overnight so drastically that sometimes you just can't fucking handle it. And then of COURSE you just want to see results and when you don't see results you are like WTF?!?!? Why am I doing all this shit and not seeing any GD results??!?!?! Yeah, of course, these changes are for the better and you feel better, and you have more energy, and you are starting to get healthier, but at the same time you feel like if you ever "cheat" by eating something non-healthy, or if you miss a workout, all the work you have done is going to just disappear. I think like that all the time. So of course, these past 13 weeks I have been like, you can't miss a workout, you can't eat shitty, you can't do these things because the minute you do that, you will revert everything you have worked for. Of course I think all these negative things. Of course I just can't see the positive from all of this stuff, of COURSE all I want to do is eat a hamburger... but that's where it clicked.

Last night, after not working out yesterday, and thinking about not being able to workout today, I was thinking to myself, this is IT. I'm done. Why am I doing all of this stuff, why am I trying to better myself? It's hard, and I don't like the challenge and I want to eat whatever I want, drink whatever I want, get my life back instead of working out...... And of course, what do I do? We order a cheese burger from Gordon Biersch and a chicken sandwich (split it of course) and as I'm eating this, I'm like wow, I feel like shit. This does NOT taste good... What am I doing to myself. (I love Juan for not judging me for eating a cheeseburger by the way, he knows how hard this is for me and he pushes but yet isn't rude and mean about it and it's great). Anyways... after we eat that, we go to the Gap, I wanted to see what they had in season for the winter and I needed a new hat haha. Well, as we are there and I'm trying things on, I'm like wow, wait, hold the PHONE, am I really REALLY REALLLLLLLY actually fitting into these clothes that are HERE IN THE STORE ACTUALLY ON THE RACK?!?! IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING??? Yeah, of course, I know I've been dropping sizes and inches, but for the FIRST TIME in a REALLY long time, I felt really good. I didn't have to say, oh that shirt is really nice, what's the style number because I have to go online and fucking order it in an XXL because I'm fat and can't fit into it... same with dresses or pants... but nope, not this time, I was able to walk out of the store with a WHOLE outfit without having to order ANYTHING online. AHHHH I FELT SO GOOD. And I realized, this is what it's all about.

It's those moments, where you are feeling weak, and for me, I eat my feelings, but those are the times you have to sit back and really look at how far you have come and keep telling yourself over and over again that this isn't a sprint... it's NOT. It takes time, and as discouraged as you feel, you are better then where you were yesterday. Yesterday I was a size 18 and XXL for tops, today I'm a size 14-16 and a L or XL for tops... yeah, it might not seem a lot to most people, but for me that's huge. This whole thing is huge. IT'S HARD, it's discouraging, it's miserable.... but I HAVE to keep with it, HAVE HAVE HAVE... there is no giving up. This will take time, this will take effort and there's no more feeling sorry for myself...

Monday is the start of another week, and although I can't control if I have to stay late at work, I can control my schedule to make SURE I am at boot camp in the morning, eating healthy, and staying positive. I CAN DO IT. From THICK TO THIN BABY.

Ok anyways, I feel like if I proof-read this post it's not going to make any sense, so I'm sorry for that, but hopefully you get my point today. I'm not giving up, no matter how much I want to, I'm not.

And by the way, eating like shit makes me feel like shit now. And I LOVE IT. I never want to go back to the way I used to eat... Eat Clean, TRAIN DIRTY.

Happy Friday. Enjoy the weekend and let me leave you on this note,

My best friends wedding....

WELL, I know it's been a while since I've wrote, but I had a longggg weekend this weekend which did NOT include being on the computer! :)

I am very lucky to not only have an amazing cousin, but a best friend as well. My cousin Sarah got married this weekend, and it was probably one of the best weddings and weekends I've had! Sarah is such an amazing person, and Brendan, her new husband (and my amazing new cousin) couldn't be a better fit for her, or for our family! :) (he's also an amazing writer with his blog, doublecoverage.com thats been picked up by FOX sports. ((one day I'll be like him and thousands will be reading my amazingly lame stories on this blog HAHAHAA)). Anyways.... I couldn't have been happier to be a part of their day, weekend, and be a part of the rest of their lives together!

Going into this weekend I was kind of freaking out. If you ask Jenny at the gym, I was soooooo worried about the fact that this weekend I a) wasn't going to be working out, and b) wasn't going to be watching what I was eating or drinking. It's kind of hilarious, because in the past, I couldn't have given two shits about either of those things. I would have just been like... YESSSS let's get wasted, and who the hell works out? But now, I'm like really conscious about making sure that I'm putting the right things in my body and working out hard core. I think it's because I'm finally seeing results, and I know, I KNOW, finally, I can do this, and I love doing it. For example, (seeing results), this asshole, didn't think too much about my bridesmaids dress for the wedding. I probably got it back from the tailor 2- 2 1/2 weeks ago, maybe 3, and I'm sitting there, we are all getting dressed and Sam goes to zip me up and she's like, "Andrea, this is big", and I'm like shut up, this is perfect, (or at least it was when I tried it on a few weeks ago).... NOPE, that dress was huge. I didn't fill it out anymore. MY ta-ta's were FALLING OUT! So yeah, I mean, it was awesome, I was like, YESSSSS I'm dropping inches and lbs like I should, but we had a bigger problem, unless we got this under control, everyone at this wedding was going to see a show when I was cutting a rug out on the dance floor later that night, or worse, at CHURCH! Hahahahha... so I feel like we had a double edged sword here. On one hand, I was excited to be losing, but on the other, I looked like a mess HAHA. And I'm pretty sure, even if I ate a whole pizza hut pizza in that hour we had to kill, I still wasn't going to fill out my dress. HAHAHAHA... Thank god for Sarah's new sister-in-law, and our new cousin, Meghan, we found a solution, and I stuffed about a million safety pins into my purse just in case I popped a few with my amazing dance moves later that night. Crisis averted, phew. It was funny though, I remember running over to Meghan a few times that night with my arm up, safety pin in hand, saying PLEASE HELP... hahaha, I don't know how I would have gotten through that night without you, and for that, I thank you Meghan McKinnon~!!!!! XOXOX. But watching Sarah, walk down the aisle, so amazing in her GORGEOUS dress, and me not being able to fit in mine, just made me think, this is a marathon, not a sprint, and in a year, I am going to look just as amazing as her, and I couldn't be happier.

So, onto my 2nd worry of the weekend, my eating and drinking. Now, I have been doing pretty well. I am super strict during the week, only doing my shakes and a protein at lunch, and I'm fine, it's great. But what am I going to do when theres all of my favorite foods around, like bagels with cream cheese, and french fries, and mashed potatoes, and to top it all off, ALCOHOL! hahaha... I mean let's be real here... I'm not going to NOT drink this weekend. hahaha... Again, the funny thing is, before this whole diet, if I drank all day, if I mixed different types of alcohol, I felt like shit by like 9pm, like hungover shit, it was crazy too me. But now, I can drink all day, drink CHAMPS, BEERS, VODS AND WADS, anything, and I'm amazing... I drank so much this weekend (sorry gym people), but thankfully it was mostly Vods and Wads with a few beers, and probably a few bottles of champs HAHA... but man, I did NOT feel like shit at all... it was great, it honestly makes me want to workout and eat healthy all the time because it totally makes drinking that much better! hahahaha.... as far as eating went this weekend, I think I did ok. I still had a Isagenix shake a day, and instead of having 10 bagels while we were getting our hair done I only had 1, and over the weekend I kept the junk food to a minimum. Sarah and Brendan did an amazing thing and got a large group together and took us all to the Phillies/Braves game and had an open bar, and burgers and dogs, and I clearly had all of that, but other then that (oh, and the baked potato soup I made on Sunday, WOOOPS), I was actually pretty good.

Sarah is one of my biggest supporters, making sure I stick with it, listening to me complain, and reading this horrible blog, and I love her for that. I am so glad that this weekend went over so well, and it's Monday morning and I'm back on track. I was so worried that I would go back to the way things were after not being in the gym the whole weekend or eating perfect, but no, I'm fine, and cheating on your diet once and a while, isn't the end of the world.

(as I mentioned, I made baked potato soup last night, I didn't make it the super healthy way, so I will give you 2 recipes, one healthy, one, meh. hahaha

HEALTHY:

Baked Potato Soup from SkinnyTaste!
Gina's Weight Watcher Recipes
Servings: 5 • Size: 1 cup • Old Points: 4 pts • Points+: 5 pts
Calories: 207.6 • Fat: 7.8 g • Carb: 22.5 g • Fiber: 2.4 g  • Protein: 11.9 g

• 2 russet potatoes, washed and dried
• 1 small head of cauliflower, stem removed cut into florets
• 1 1/2 cups fat free chicken broth
• 1 1/2 cups 1% reduced-fat milk
• salt and freshly cracked black pepper
• 1/2 cup light sour cream
• 10 tbsp reduced-fat shredded sharp cheddar cheese
• 6 tbsp chopped chives, divided
• 3 slices bacon, cooked and crumbled (you can use turkey bacon if you prefer)

Pierce potatoes with a fork; microwave on high for 5 minutes turn over and microwave another 3 - 5 minutes, until tender. Or if you prefer to use your oven, bakeat 400° for 1 hour or until tender. Cool. Peel potatoes.

Meanwhile, steam cauliflower with water in a large covered pot until tender. Drain and return to pot. On medium heat, add chicken broth, milk, potatoes and bring to a boil. Use an immersion blender to puree until smooth. Add sour cream, half the chives, salt and pepper and cook on low another 5-10 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Remove from heat. Ladle 1 cup soup into each bowl. Top each serving with 2 tbsp cheese, remaining chives, and bacon.


NOT SO HEALTHY BUT AMAZING:

• 4 baking potatoes (about 2 1/2 pounds) 
• 2/3 cup all-purpose flour (about 3 ounces) 
• 6 cups 2% reduced-fat milk 
• 1 cup (4 ounces) reduced-fat shredded extrasharp cheddar cheese, divided 
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 1 cup reduced-fat sour cream 
• 3/4 cup chopped green onions, divided
• 6 bacon slices, cooked and crumbled 
• Cracked black pepper (optional)
• 
  
• Preparation
• Preheat oven to 400°.
• Pierce potatoes with a fork; bake at 400° for 1 hour or until tender. Cool. Peel potatoes; coarsely mash.
• Lightly spoon flour into dry measuring cups; level with a knife. Place flour in a large Dutch oven; gradually add milk, stirring with a whisk until blended. Cook over medium heat until thick and bubbly (about 8 minutes). Add mashed potatoes, 3/4 cup cheese, salt, and 1/2 teaspoon pepper, stirring until cheese melts. Remove from heat.
• Stir in sour cream and 1/2 cup onions. Cook over low heat 10 minutes or until thoroughly heated (do not boil). Ladle 1 1/2 cups soup into each of 8 bowls. Sprinkle each serving with 1 1/2 teaspoons cheese, 1 1/2 teaspoons onions, and about 1 tablespoon bacon. Garnish with cracked pepper, if desired.

OK THATS IT FOR NOW, 

XOXOXOXOXOX  (me and my amazing family below!)

I'm off to a good start.....

So day 2 - I'm def not on the detox, YET, but slowly getting there... I don't know how I am going to give up caffeine again, that is my lifeline. But I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. I ate a healthy breakfast this morning, and I'm planning on eating a healthy lunch as well! :) Since it's Joanna's birthday, I'm skipping the workout because frankly there just isn't enough time in this day, and I don't want to wake up at 3:30am just to work out... I'm not there yet....

My amazing cousin Amy, a while back sent me this great email with some awesome tips on working out and dieting... and I wanted to share them all with you!

• Workouts - I've found that no matter how hard I push myself on an elliptical or any other machine, nothing gets me back in shape faster than running.  More so outside than on a treadmill.  Tones me up more than other cardio.  I have no explanation for this, just an observation!
• Food - Fiber and Lean Protein!!!  You need fiber for obvious reasons - get everything out, lol.  They say fiber also makes you feel full, but I need a little protein to make me feel full too.
• Always eat wheat pasta, bread, etc.  Once I started reading labels, I realized how nutrient-deficient white pasta is.  Truth is, I think the wheat tastes better anyway.
• Fiber One yogurt - it's actually delicious, and its an easy 50-calorie way to get 5g fiber in your system if you've been lacking that day.  Some cinnamon in the vanilla is awesome!
• Healthy fats are good!  When I don't eat enough fat I get super hungry.  Some fats are actually good for you - like stuff with low saturated fat.  I typically mix a little bit of olive oil (no more than 1tbsp) with balsamic vinegar for salad dressing.  Also, I always eat the yolk of the egg.  It might not be the healthiest fat, but I've read there's good nutrients in there.  Also, if you eat eggs in moderation (2 a day at most) and don't have a lot of other cholesterol it can't be that bad.  I'm a fan of a simple hard boiled egg.
• Salads - If I just eat veggies with dressing I get super hungry right after.  I try to always add something to a salad.  Olive oil dressing helps, but it's not enough for me.  I also add a scoop of beans, usually chickpeas and black beans.  Tons of fiber and protein!  Sometimes I add low-fat shredded cheese.
• Dinner should not be the biggest meal of the day, unless you work out late at night.  It's silly - you need energy throughout the day so it doesn't make sense to eat most of your food at night.  Too bad the concept of a big dinner has been shoved into everyone's head forever now.
• Because I don't think dinner should be huge - Eat a good breakfast!  My favorite cereal is Special K Protein Plus - 100 cal and 10g protein!  Skim milk adds more protein.  Some people complain it tastes like cardboard, but I put cinnamon on it and that does the trick for me.
• Speaking of breakfast, I love egg & cheese sandwiches.  I make a 260 cal version at home.  I've found light wheat bread that's 70 cal for 2 slices.  Then I use 2 eggs.  I put one slice of Kraft 2% milk american cheese (50 cal).  Toast the bread and spray some of that 0 cal butter spray on it - makes it taste fattier than it is!  I also like to add chili powder to the eggs, and some hot sauce or cayenne pepper.  If you need meat on it, turkey bacon is a great lean option - I've found turkey bacon that's only 25 cal/slice!
• Burgers - I love veggie burgers, and instead of a bun, I use that light wheat bread I mentioned before.  I can usually have a whole sandwich for under 200 cal!  If you're not wiling to do the veggie burger thing, make your own burgers with lean ground beef or turkey - awesome!!!
• Herbs and spices - experiment with them a lot.  You can add a ton of flavor without extra calories or fat.  Definitely good for making veggies edible :)

These are some things I've already started living by... I love cheese on my salads, I put that on instead of dressing because it adds flavor and makes it healthier!! Thanks Amy for all these awesome tips... I guess it's time to work! SO i will chat with you all later! :) 

Have a great day... xoxox FAT KID OUT!

Get me into bed.....

Haha - here is my round-up of the first 5 days on this detox ----

Wanna know the quickest way to get me into bed at 9pm???... Guys take note.... THIS DETOX... Fuck my life... On day ONE I'm pretty sure I was texting, crying, holding my head all around 9pm from my BED!.... First... Let's discuss what this detox is taking OUT of my diet...

Here is the email from Mia (my super awesome diet/running/workout friend who is doing this detox with me...)

So basically, I am cutting EVERYTHING out of my diet except meats, veggies and fruits... which I'm totally cool with - if I could eat steak for breakfast lunch and dinner everyday, I would be the happiest girl alive... but right now, I'm not.

Day One: 
What I ate - 
1 Scrambled Egg
2 Pieces of turkey bacon
Big salad with cucumbers, green peppers, carrots, and some italian dressing and grilled chicken
Almonds for a snack
Banana for another snack
WATER WATER WATER
And a Small Filet with 1/4th of a Sweet potato and broccoli for dinner... 


How did I feel after day one, after not having my 4 cups of coffee or having a PSL from Starbucks? HORRIBLE. I died... Like I said, in bed by 9pm crying my eyes out like a big freaking baby... But guess what, the next day, I woke up, (still with a horrible headache) but felt like a million bucks. I had more energy, and I just felt better about myself... That only lasted about 5 hours till the next headache decided to kick-in hahaha but for those 5 hours I felt like a million bucks...

I know you are asking, what about working out? Well, I don't know about you, but when my head is pounding out of my skull, the last thing I want to do is work out.... so right now, I am working on getting the food part of this detox down, then I'll go run a marathon.... so be patient. This is hard enough as it is people!

Day Two: I basically ate the same thing --- see when you are a picky eater, it's really hard to do something like this - I shopped in Wegmans for about 3 hours reading labels, trying to figure out what I can and cannot eat, what I actually like, and then ultimately only buying like 6 meals... so it was back to Wegmans to try and figure out a few more foods to grab... OH! I had a smoothie on day two... hahaha - wow, talk about trying something new!

Day Three: 
This was the hardest... I woke up, and it was an AMAZING crisp fall morning - and every little bit of me wanted to get out of bed and run to starbucks and pick up a nice hot chai tea latte... There's just something about that white cup in your hand on a nice fall morning that makes you feel so much better about your day... but for me, my hopes and dreams were killed... this detox is still going on and it's only day 3. FML.

Day Four: 
When I said that 3 was the hardest, I was wrong... 4 was... Only because my dick neighbor decided, LET'S HAVE A PARTY.... oh but wait... a party??? Yes... you know I'm always in for a good party... but I'M ON THIS FUCKING DETOX! What do I do??? Well, you work with it... hahahahaha - Vodka and V8 Fruit Juice Fusion! :) Hey, I'm getting my daily serving of fruits and veggies while drinking ---- why not... hahaha... I am actually super proud of myself... while people were scarfing down hotdogs, drinking beers, eating chips - I had my vodka, and my chicken breast, and I was good to go - Sara asked me today if I had cheated yet, and thankfully I can say no, besides this little binge I had on Saturday.... Which made Sunday HORRIBLE.

Day Five: 
I think I'm glad I was hungover, it made for a good day to not really eat much. hahaha... We went out to breakfast, and I had an egg, with turkey sausage and fruit, and I could barely keep that down... So eating for the rest of the day wasn't really an issue....

Day Six: 
Today... today... today.... Well I woke up and had a smoothie, but it's really hard to focus on the computer today - my eyes are all buggy and my head hurts... I think my body is finally telling me that it's time to eat some carbs.. but I WON'T - I'm sticking to my guns... I'm not doing it --- NOPE. NOT DOING IT. We will see how today goes, but it should be ok ---

As for my progress - I hate the scale, so I'm going to say I have probably lost about 6 pounds (give or take) hahahahaha thats just me taking a guess on how I feel - so I could be totally wrong... but I will say, I have more energy and I just feel better about myself... I love food, but I love feeling this way so much better.....

Ok, I need to write some more posts -
FAT KID OUT FOR NOW.

This fall, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?

I saw this on FB this morning - thought I would share... as I'm answering mermaid and starting my detox today... UGH KILL ME. 


LINK TO THE FACEBOOK POST 


A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.

We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.

Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)

 — with Teresa Myers.