Oh Jessica Simpson.

Ahhh so this morning I have a lot of things on my mind. First is this magazine article I read about Jessica Simpson just before I started writing. The cover reads as follows......

"Bullied for my weight, my diet struggle". Ok so that got my attention. I have mixed feelings towards Jessica Simpson anyways but here's what I really think...... You signed a 4 million dollar contact with weight watchers and you needed an excuse to explain why you didn't lose the weight as fast as j-HUD. Honestly yeah it might sound bitchy of me to say but it's what I think. Here's the other F'ed up thing..... The article talks about how she was constantly criticized for being fat.... Do you know what size she was at the time of these statements?!? A SIZE 4. A FREAKING SIZE FOUR ARE YOU KIDDING ME. If I'm a size 16 I must be a god damn whale! Shut the front door. Size 4. Anyways. She was making comments at the time like "what do you want from me I'm not a super model" well honey you're only 2 sizes off, where I have about 18 sizes to go. Really you are being called big for being a size 4, something is wrong with society then because that's messed up. Anyways. She gained the weight that she's currently taking off from when she was preggers. Here's the other thing, she admitted to over indulging during that time. To me that's a cop out. She knew she was going to have this WW deal once she had the baby so she thought hey, why not have ribs. She would have never gained all that weight if she would have just ate healthy while she was pregs. It's your ow fault honey. If you know you are prone to gain weight and be "criticized" why would you do that to yourself. AND ON TOP OF THAT I think weight watchers is a big piece of shit because gaining weight from having a baby and losing those pounds is way different then just being bigger like JHud and wanting to make a life change. Sorry but I think that's kind is bullshit. Anyways. Wow for some reason I'm angry. She's losing the weight because she's being paid to do so, being paid to be a size 2. And the complaining that people are "making fun of her" well sweetheart stop eating ribs and French fries and basically tubs of lard just because you can because your pregnant, and then shut up!

Sure it might seem like I'm bullying her or making fun of her too but I'm bothered. I think it's a cop out. She's getting paid to drop baby weight and being paid to write a story about being bullied when its much harder for real people to lose weight and real people get bullied in real life on the reg for being overweight but do they write articles about them? No. Deal with it Simpson. I'm sure you wipe your ass with dollar bills from all the money you make from your awesome hand bags but I don't want to hear about your million dollar weight struggles. Try losing weight with no money behind it where you actually have to PAY SOMEONE to help you and then write an article.

Anyways. I wanted to talk about other stuff today but this clearly took me on a tangent haha.

For now. Im drinking my protein shake wishing I had some ribs, and dreaming of the days when someone can pay me to be a real motivator instead of these stars. I haven't seen My favorite actress in the whole entire world, Melissa McCarthy come out with any articles about her weight except for ones where she embraces it. By the way I love the shit out of her. I'm trying so hard to figure out how to be as hilarious as she is haha so I can be in the bridesmaids sequel. I wonder if Juan will move to Hollywood so i can peruse my dream of being in some movies?!?! Hahahha.

Ok well that's it for now.

F-THIS. I want to give up.

What a FREAKING week it has been. I don't know why, but man, this has just been the week from hell. Do you ever have those? I mean honestly, I have them a lot.. but this week was just blah.

So. Yes. F-THIS. I want to give up... that's what I'm thinking and that's what I was thinking allllllll ALLLLLLLL night last night. Let me tell you why...

Losing weight is HARD. It's like, let's completely change your whole lifestyle overnight so drastically that sometimes you just can't fucking handle it. And then of COURSE you just want to see results and when you don't see results you are like WTF?!?!? Why am I doing all this shit and not seeing any GD results??!?!?! Yeah, of course, these changes are for the better and you feel better, and you have more energy, and you are starting to get healthier, but at the same time you feel like if you ever "cheat" by eating something non-healthy, or if you miss a workout, all the work you have done is going to just disappear. I think like that all the time. So of course, these past 13 weeks I have been like, you can't miss a workout, you can't eat shitty, you can't do these things because the minute you do that, you will revert everything you have worked for. Of course I think all these negative things. Of course I just can't see the positive from all of this stuff, of COURSE all I want to do is eat a hamburger... but that's where it clicked.

Last night, after not working out yesterday, and thinking about not being able to workout today, I was thinking to myself, this is IT. I'm done. Why am I doing all of this stuff, why am I trying to better myself? It's hard, and I don't like the challenge and I want to eat whatever I want, drink whatever I want, get my life back instead of working out...... And of course, what do I do? We order a cheese burger from Gordon Biersch and a chicken sandwich (split it of course) and as I'm eating this, I'm like wow, I feel like shit. This does NOT taste good... What am I doing to myself. (I love Juan for not judging me for eating a cheeseburger by the way, he knows how hard this is for me and he pushes but yet isn't rude and mean about it and it's great). Anyways... after we eat that, we go to the Gap, I wanted to see what they had in season for the winter and I needed a new hat haha. Well, as we are there and I'm trying things on, I'm like wow, wait, hold the PHONE, am I really REALLY REALLLLLLLY actually fitting into these clothes that are HERE IN THE STORE ACTUALLY ON THE RACK?!?! IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING??? Yeah, of course, I know I've been dropping sizes and inches, but for the FIRST TIME in a REALLY long time, I felt really good. I didn't have to say, oh that shirt is really nice, what's the style number because I have to go online and fucking order it in an XXL because I'm fat and can't fit into it... same with dresses or pants... but nope, not this time, I was able to walk out of the store with a WHOLE outfit without having to order ANYTHING online. AHHHH I FELT SO GOOD. And I realized, this is what it's all about.

It's those moments, where you are feeling weak, and for me, I eat my feelings, but those are the times you have to sit back and really look at how far you have come and keep telling yourself over and over again that this isn't a sprint... it's NOT. It takes time, and as discouraged as you feel, you are better then where you were yesterday. Yesterday I was a size 18 and XXL for tops, today I'm a size 14-16 and a L or XL for tops... yeah, it might not seem a lot to most people, but for me that's huge. This whole thing is huge. IT'S HARD, it's discouraging, it's miserable.... but I HAVE to keep with it, HAVE HAVE HAVE... there is no giving up. This will take time, this will take effort and there's no more feeling sorry for myself...

Monday is the start of another week, and although I can't control if I have to stay late at work, I can control my schedule to make SURE I am at boot camp in the morning, eating healthy, and staying positive. I CAN DO IT. From THICK TO THIN BABY.

Ok anyways, I feel like if I proof-read this post it's not going to make any sense, so I'm sorry for that, but hopefully you get my point today. I'm not giving up, no matter how much I want to, I'm not.

And by the way, eating like shit makes me feel like shit now. And I LOVE IT. I never want to go back to the way I used to eat... Eat Clean, TRAIN DIRTY.

Happy Friday. Enjoy the weekend and let me leave you on this note,

FREEEE DONUT DAY AT DUNKKKKINNN!!!!

Ok so yes.... this is the day we have ALLLL BEEEEN WAITING FOR! Freaking FREE DONUT DAY AT DUNKIN DONUTS!!!! :)

Contrary to what my blog might say, and what my cousin Sam might say, GET OUT AND GET YOUR DAMN DONUT. No matter what size you are, big, small, skinny, chubby, WHO CARES, if it's FREE you better be putting it in your mouttttthhhhh!!! (that's what she said.) 

Anyways, thanks to Sarah for pointing this out, and telling us that she got it "to give it away" but then ate it (you knew you were going to do that!!!) Now I can tell the WORLD (or all 20 of you that might read my blog) THAT IT'S FREE DONUT DAY! FAT KIDS UNITE!!!!

Ok enough, no more donuts after Sunday.... better hurry home and get me a chocolate frosted donut! :) 

XOXOXO- 

Free donut kid OUT!

PS. Don't let this be you today. YOU should not be ashamed for eating a free DONUT today...

We're about to get deep..... (that's what she said?)

Before I start this post, I want to say that these are my opinions and my opinions only... I never want to offend anyone in this blog, so please, no one take offense.

That being said... I have this friend... hahaha.. she's BEAUTIFUL and I love her to death... but, she just doesn't get it. We will go out to a bar and she will get so much attention from guys - and yeah, I have a boyfriend so I'm not looking for that attention, but sometimes it would be nice. When I make a comment about it, or she asks if I'm having fun, my response is always like, "meh, it's ok".. because she's the one getting the attention and I'm just sitting in the dust. Now, normally I don't care, but recently after about 10 years of this being the case, I'm over it. Not only am I over the fact that no one will approach you if you don't look like a twig, but I'm over her response of, "oh stop, you aren't ugly" or "oh stop, we're having a good time and it doesn't matter what you look like, you're beautiful". F-THAT. It does matter... and I'm sorry, but skinny people, you just don't get it.

I understand that everyone has their issues, and just because you are skinny, that doesn't mean you don't have them. I get it, I know you do. But have you ever felt like you weren't being talked to in a bar, or in a social setting because you were too big, or you weren't attractive enough? Doubtful. Have you ever felt like yeah, you might be an amazing with lots of friends who can light up the room with your personality, but you know, at the end of the night, that guy you may have been eyeing all night long won't ask for your number? Doubtful. Skinny/attractive people don't get it. They don't understand what it's like to be harassed your whole life for being the fat kid, they don't get why girls that might be overweight look upset at a bar or are less eager to go out..... They don't get that if you are the one getting all the attention at the bar, that even though you think you are amazing on the inside, you still care what you look like on the outside.

I hate to say it, but guys are shallow. And I don't know if its society that has made them that way, but I am seriously a sucker for movies, or in real life, when I see a larger girl with a slim, attractive man. That man, he doesn't care what the girl looks like on the outside, that man loves her for who she is. And unfortunately, there aren't a lot of guys like that out there.

Being, big, large, fat, (anyway you want to say it) isn't a curse. We are beautiful that is for sure, and we can certainly be happy with who we are... but deep down I think a lot of us just scream to be skinny... to get that extra attention, to be able to feel, just for one day, what it's like to walk in a skinny girls shoes. I know I certainly would. I know I would love to know what it feels like to be hit on at a bar because I'm looking good in my skinny jeans and boyfriend blazer. So hopefully, one day, I will be able to do just that.

My last question to you is... if you are skinny, do you ever think to yourself, man I wish I was bigger?

But for now, this song just replays on my iTunes, and I think, big girls, you are beautiful too!

Thanks mom....

As much as I don't want to blame my mom for my weight... I kind of do. HAHA... Well, my mom and my dad... well more my dad then my mom. My mom is SUCH a picky eater, and that's what I find hardest about losing weight... I really really hate a lot of things... and I don't like trying new things... and all of the healthy things taste like shit... I really need some good recipes that involve simple ingredients that I can make at home.

Why do I blame my mom you ask? Probably because as a kid I grew up on McDonalds plain hamburgers, steak, potatoes, and fried foods. I love you to death mom, but that's not the best diet. HAHA. I should have been eating all these fancy dishes that exposed my palette to new things.... HAHA, wait, I did grow up in upstate NY, and if anyone knows the area, it's basically the steak and potato capital of the world... haha...

Why do I blame my dad? He always used NEGATIVE criticism growing up... not, hey andrea, you might be gaining weight, let's do this together to work on it... more like ANDREA, you are getting fat. Enough said. Ahhhh, my father, how I love thee. I think that made me just want to stay fat forever... And ps, I know using the word "fat" is bad, but get over it, I use it all the time.

Why do I blame myself? I grew up playing sports, that for sure, but I always used the excuse that I was big boned and I was born this way, to never try and lose any weight... I mean if you look at my sister, she is a twig, (I wish I looked like her when I was 14)... and I know it's genetics, but I could have worked harder at it, and now I am paying for that... It def is MUCH harder to lose weight at this age than it is at 18. Ahh freshman 30, how you KILLED ME.

Before......

Ew... here we go... hopefully I will look back at this picture and think, damn, I really did do a great job.

Me, at my largest.... not even saying how much I weigh... haha